A communication block is any word, tone of voice, or body language that influences a person who is sharing a problem to end the communication.  

In other words, if you’re exhibiting communication blocks, you’ve blown it and your child clams up tighter than a CEO in front of a grand jury. Some communication blocks to be avoided are:

Commanding           “What you should do is…”

Giving advice          “Why don’t you…”

Placating                  “Everything will be okay, you’ll see.”

Interrogating           “What did you do to make him…”

Distracting               “Let’s not worry about that, let’s…”

Psychologizing       “Hmmm… do you know why you said that?”

Being judgmental   “That wasn’t a very smart thing to do.”

Sarcasm                    “Well, I guess that’s just about the end of the world.”

Moralizing               “You really should…”

Being a know-it-all “I’ve seen this a hundred times and let me tell you…”

And these are just SOME of the ways we block communication. As one parent said, “I’m so good at communication blocks that I can use two or three of them at once!” The key is to identify our personal pitfalls and then be on guard against using them. Although our goal in using communication blocks is to help solve the problem, they often send the message that we don’t respect our children’s ability to deal with painful experiences and find useful solutions themselves. The result is that our kids shut us out and we lose a chance to be really helpful.

Consider communication blocks you may already have in place around serious issues such as smoking. It’s easy to fall back on moralizing, commanding or giving advice versus taking the time to sit and have a real conversation with your child about any internal or external pressures they may be facing. Tomorrow’s post will show you how to catch and correct yourself when caught in a communication block.

Note: Some of the materials in this blog prepared by Dr. Michael Popkin have been copyrighted by Active Parenting Publishers and is used with permission of Active Parenting Publishers

 Source: Doc Pop’s 52 Weeks of Active Parenting 

Nerve damage

Chemicals in smoke can damage nerve pathways that aren’t yet fully formed in kids and teens. This can set kids up for everything from a potential loss of hearing to decreased night vision.

Dirty mouth

Think mouth sores and ulcers. Smoking also stains teeth and dulls taste buds. It also gives you permanent bad breath that no amount of gum or mints will cover.

Zits

Can smoking cause pimples? You bet. As Smokefreeteen.com states, “The combination of stress and smoking can cause you to breakout and have more zits that last longer.”

A communication block is any combination of words, tone of choice or body language that influences a person sharing a problem to end the communication.

 Both kids and adults communicate our attitude largely through tone of voice and body language; it’s not enough just to watch our words. Below are a few examples of communication blocks. Each communication block in the left column represents a way that may disregard another person’s thoughts and feelings and instead focus on controlling the situation. More often than not, these attempts backfire.

The first step is to notice which communication blocks your kids use most often. Then make them aware of these blocks and see if they can begin to self-identify when they put them in place.

Instruct your kids that when they catch themselves using communication blocks, they should smile, apologize, and make a change. Remember, communication skills will be extremely important as your child grows and will help them in every situation, from saying no to cigarettes to landing their first job.

Note: Some of the materials in this blog prepared by Dr. Michael Popkin have been copyrighted by Active Parenting Publishers and is used with permission of Active Parenting Publishers

Source: Teens in Action 

1. Teach gratitude. The best way to do this is to model for your child. Take a moment to notice and point out a sunset, how good an ice-cream cone tastes, or how grateful you are for your home or the meal in front of you.

2. Create routines. Routines allow children to feel safe and grounded, actually encouraging them to explore and be daring in other areas because they know they have a base to return to.

3. Don’t overindulge. It’s tempting to want to hand our kids the world but this has the opposite effect of what’s intended. Whether it’s holding back a new toy or allowing your child to feel sadness or frustration, teaching them to rely on inner resources to entertain and console themselves will be a gift in the long run.

4. Allow unstructured, unhurried time.  It seems everyone is overscheduled these days, including toddlers and preschoolers. Make sure your child has some down time each day (scheduling it, if you need to) to play, invent and dream at his or her own pace.

5. Encourage physical activity. Endorphins are released through physical activity, causing feelings of happiness to increase in your child. Who doesn’t want that?

Before your meeting, take a few minutes to write down as many concerns as you can think of as you anticipate potential problems. Then hold your meeting, “just to make sure we are all on the same page about __________________.” Keep your tone and attitude positive. You want to show confidence in your children’s ability to make good decisions and behave appropriately for the situation. Some of the questions you might ask are:

“What kind of problems might come up that you would have to deal with?”

“How would you handle that?”

“What is…?”

Be sure to get agreements and stay encouraging. For example,

“Then we agree that…”

“And if _____________ happens, then you will __________ me and I will __________.”

“Good thinking!” “I like that.” “I want to make sure you have a good time, and that you stay safe and healthy.”

Apply the above speaking points not only to keeping your kids smoke free, but to any situation such as making new friends to staying home alone for the first time.

Take notes from your meeting and afterward jot down agreements and expectations.

Note: Some of the materials in this blog prepared by Dr. Michael Popkin have been copyrighted by Active Parenting Publishers and is used with permission of Active Parenting Publishers

 Source: Doc Pop’s 52 Weeks of Active Parenting 

Sometimes this is legitimate, sometimes it’s a smoke screen. But in either case, a lot of problems can be successfully headed off at the pass if we will take the time to sit down together and have a brief meeting about new situations and what is expected and agreed upon. This is not an opportunity for parents to just lay down the law. It’s a chance for some “give and take” in negotiating clear agreements about what will and will not happen in a given situation.

Of course, parents as leaders in the family have the right and responsibility to limit behaviors that are unhealthy, unsafe, illegal, immoral, or violate family values—such as smoking. Still, that leaves a lot to discuss. The result is that everyone knows what’s expected beforehand and kids feel empowered since they were part of the process.

Examples of events that might warrant a prevention talk include: spending the night out, going out for dinner together, going shopping, visiting grandma (“Remember that Grandma doesn’t really understand or appreciate bathroom humor.”), going to a party, staying with a babysitter, having friends over, schoolwork, a family vacation, and of course smoking.

Note: Some of the materials in this blog prepared by Dr. Michael Popkin have been copyrighted by Active Parenting Publishers and is used with permission of Active Parenting Publishers

 Source: Doc Pop’s 52 Weeks of Active Parenting 

What can we take from this? Divorce is obviously hard on all involved and can put a strain on family relationships, as well as on a child’s sense of security, self-esteem and confidence. Low self-esteem and lack of confidence can often lead to poor choices, such as smoking. That’s why it’s vital we remain vigilant about staying in touch with our kids through open communication, goal setting, discipline and feeding them positive messages.

Divorce is a reality for many kids. Recognizing that divorce may play a part in future health choices—such as your child picking up cigarette smoking as an adult—helps keep us informed as to what we need to focus on today as parents. And that is loving our kids, offering positive reinforcement, talking to them about smoking and the dangers associated with it—at any age—and being available to just listen.

* For more on how to help your child combat stress, see our booklet on Youth Smoking and Stress. 

Reactions like this come from deep discouragement and low self-esteem. But violence in response to disrespect is never justified. The best way to teach your kids to get respect from others is to have them:

1. Always respect themselves
2. Always treat others with respect

This is what is meant by mutual respect. Remind your kids that respecting themselves and others is not always going to be the easy choice but it will always be the best choice—one that will pay off in positive results. Here are a few pointers to help get your kids on the right track.

Tell your kids that they respect themselves when they:

• Think positive thoughts about themselves and about others.
• Behave so that others have no reason to think negative thoughts about them.
• Take actions and behave so that they don’t risk their health, safety, or good reputation, nor do they risk harming the welfare of others. (Talking to them about choosing to say “no” to cigarettes and other tobacco products is a good example of how kids can respect themselves.)
• Expect others to treat them with dignity and respect.

 For both you and your kids, showing respect for one another (“mutual respect”) is one of the most important skills for getting along in a family.

Note: Some of the materials in this blog prepared by Dr. Michael Popkin have been copyrighted by Active Parenting Publishers and is used with permission of Active Parenting Publishers

Source: Teens in Action 

So, we took a more passive, yet powerful, approach until the day arrived where he brought it up. We didn’t smoke, so we were modeling an active and healthy lifestyle that didn’t include stopping to buy cigarettes. As a stroke of luck, none of his friends’ parents smoked. We didn’t allow people to smoke in our home. At restaurants we requested “non-smoking” and if the smoke in our area was still too much, we would bring it up, wrinkle our noses and ask to move to another section – or outside. In time, we allowed our then 9-year-old to say “It’s too smoky here,” and we would accommodate his request by moving to a new table.

By the time he was 11-years-old, he asked, “Have you ever just tried a cigarette?” Our golden moment arrived. I responded, “I have. When I was 13, I stole a cigarette from my grandmother’s pack, took her matches, opened a window in my room and smoked a few puffs. Not only was it horrible, but I stayed home for a full day with asthma and ended up at the doctor’s because I couldn’t breathe. I was so embarrassed, I didn’t even tell anyone. Never again. Do you wonder about smoking?”

 “Well, I did wonder, but I’m never doing it.”

 Sometimes, kids do learn from our example.

Now he’s 15, and he still has no desire to smoke. When asked why, he says he doesn’t want to fill his lungs with smoke and tar. He saw images in school of smoker’s lungs and wants no part of it.

I respect that the best way is to talk about it and we eventually did. But the words were much more powerful when they were backed up with years of a lifestyle that modeled what we most wanted for him – health.

Vikki Spencer

Greensboro, NC

As you observe your family this week, write down some of the problems that you’re currently dealing with or that, as your kids grow, you expect to deal with.

Note: Some of the materials in this blog prepared by Dr. Michael Popkin have been copyrighted by Active Parenting Publishers and is used with permission of Active Parenting Publishers

 Source: Doc Pop’s 52 Weeks of Active Parenting